It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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