dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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