Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
