if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
