Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
