Please don't use social media to get back at me.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
