please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
