franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
