Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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