Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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