You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
