They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
