Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Houston, we have a blender
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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