Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
operation harelip BJ is a go
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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