True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
