dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
