I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
