Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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