My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
