rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
