JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
