I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
you had me at cake vodka
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize