I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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