I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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