Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
