so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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