I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
