i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
