Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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