I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
