You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
