I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
