i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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