You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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