Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
