he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
