My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
