insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize