I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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