2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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