listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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