Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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