Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
