Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
