Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
