My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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