I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
