where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
