my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
