I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
