please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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