Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
