I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
