here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
