I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
