i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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