Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
