mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
