My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
