PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
